10 things to do after “I do”
what we've learned so far
Marriage is tricky. We are taught to prepare for the ‘richer and poorer’ or ‘better and worse’, but rarely for the in-between: the days that revolves around the routine, the moment when there’s no spark that pulls me closer to my spouse, yet no force that pulls me away either. No fun, no thrill, no plot twist (not that I’m asking for one), just the quiet, steady middle where marriage lives.
For me, it’s the unremarkable times, the so-called ‘nothing days’, that are crucial in marriage. It is the days when I get lost in the pile of laundry that I forget to hug him before he leaves for work, when I am overwhelmed by the usual and overlook the needs, when I am too tired or comfortable to care more. Personally, it is in those ordinary days that I truly learn to live out the vows we made. A million thanks for the gift of friends and community, we get a handful of do’s and don’ts.
Always communicate. In marriage, we learned that communication goes far beyond sharing opinions about furniture arrangements or political issues. It is being honest about how we feel when something off has been said, opening up about each other’s approach to issues, acknowledging how our upbringing shapes our reactions, and voicing our worries instead of burying them. Real communication is choosing to be vulnerable, to listen with intention, and to understand.
Disagree without being disagreeable. Because each of us is uniquely different, disagreements are inevitable. What truly matters is the posture we have during those moments. It’s approaching conflict with humility, respect, and a desire to understand rather than win because marriage is not a competition between spouses.
Focus on the issue. As a woman, I think this is the hardest thing to do. Sometimes, I bring up everything. I assess what led us to the conflict, recall similar moments, or even jump ahead to future issues that feel related. The whole thing explodes when we don’t stay focused on the issue. My husband would always say, “Ang dami mo nang nasabi.” When figuring out what went wrong, focus on just one thing: the one at hand.
Don’t court danger. Whether in lifestyle, money, the opposite sex, and other areas, we are all prone to tempation. If we are not careful and discerning, we can slowly lead ourselves toward the capital sins. This is why it helps to be watchful of each other and not ignore the warning signs. Protect the marriage by not allowing ourself or our spouse to be placed in situations where weakness can turn into a mistake.
Establish baselines. Before we got married, we set a date to establish our baselines. Until now, it’s an advice we give to soon-to-be-wed couples. It was a heart-to-heart talk, where we laid down our intentions, expectations, and non-negotiables. It was one of the best things we did in preparing for life together, as it set the standards of our married life.
Seek help and guidance. While decisions and issues are ultimately for spouses to discuss together, the wisdom of others is vital in marriage. At times, couples can be blinded, overwhelmed, or even underwhelmed, leading us to decide purely out of emotions. A little help from trusted people can bring clarity and level-headed perspective.
When things don’t go your way, remember your wedding day. The vows were made for a reason. Some people ask why the Catholic Church has its own vows; mainly because they contain the most essential truths to remember. Personal vows may have biases, and because we wrote them ourselves, they can feel easier to revoke. The vows we spoke before God and our loved ones clothed our marriage and were sealed with a kiss. Who knew one kiss could begin a lifetime of sealing promises?!
Forgive and seek forgiveness. Two forgivers, right? It’s a never-ending turning a blind eye from the least to the most mundane of things. I married someone as imperfect as I am and a sinner just like me. And in a relationship like that, love is proven in the hard days, not the easy ones. Forgiveness, too, is a two-way act: one not only forgives, but also humbly seeks it.
Receive the gift of community. Marriage is a lifelong journey, so what better way to walk it than with people who navigate the same path. A community grounds our marriage. They become our moral compass, daily reminders, and prayer warriors. We may feel like we don’t need one, but a pastoral community helps our marriage grow in faith and accountability, especially when we can’t carry everything on our own. The community doesn’t remove the problems, or concerns, or the pain, but it reminds us that we are not alone.
Hope in what God has in store for you. Marriage is not just between husband and wife. God is part of it. He was there on our wedding day, and we made promises not only to each other, but to Him. That means He is in this with us, working through everything. And if you have dreams and goals for your family, remember that God has dreams for it too.
My husband and I are still fairly new into this married life. Four years and counting. A lot of times, it feels like we’re treading blindfolded. We’re both feeling our way through this relationship because well, it’s not like we’ve done this before. We are learning as we go. But after learning these 10 things to do after “I do,” navigating married life has become more beautiful, more intentional, and even more exciting.